Alright- I want to start with an apology- this is a long-winded rant, but also long overdue... and for any spelling, punctuation and/or grammatical errors, I kind of threw this together today... sorry.
One of my cousins posted this on his Facebook page & it spoke volumes to what I’ve been feeling the past few years. You know that feeling when you’re convinced someone’s actions are based solely on the feeling of obligation rather than sincerity- that’s what I’ve been dealing with. I’ve listened to a number of people constantly complain about other people & then in the next breath they are doing the exact same things they were just condemning other people for doing. Such comments have included (but are not limited to) “friends don’t turn their back on you… I would have never turned from “so-and-so”, but she got mad at me & turned from me, so I’m done with her.”- yet these are the same people who have done this same thing to me over & over and like an idiot I kept going back for more thinking they were just going through a phase. But lately I’ve come to realize that the whole thing was a phase & when I was no longer their favorite “flavor of the month”, a new cycle of rudeness, ignoring, back-stabbing & mean & cruel behavior would start all over again leaving me feeling no larger than the paramecia we found in our microscopic study of pond water in biology lab Tuesday night.
(Marisol, one of my lab partners, "lovingly" names this critter "Bob"- so here is "Bob" our paramecium.)
Example:
When I first began making cakes (this little hobby started when I did Liam’s 1st birthday cake) I was… well, I guess “honored”, no- let’s say “flattered” that some people around me picked up on it as well & that I felt, in a way, that I had inspired other people to try something new & have fun with it. I watched as others had fun, excelled and enjoyed sharing this hobby with those around them & I was very happy for them. Recently I heard a comment about how one of them was mad because she had begun a new hobby-turned-small business & someone she knew was expressing interest in becoming involved as well. She was actually really mad that this other person was dipping into “her thing”. WHAT!? This person did the exact same thing to me & I found flattery, but when it happened to her there was nothing but negative & selfishness. This absolutely confounded me! (See dictionary definition associated with my next example.)
Another example:
Long story short- someone made a public showing of her temper-tantrum as she yelled at me about what she felt was a lack of communication. (I guess this made her feel “cool” and “on top of” the situation- in actuality, she was exhibiting bully behavior.) In reality, I had been attempting to communicate with her, which evidently was not good enough for her & she shut me down at every turn. During this argument she was quite determined to practice the “she who talks loudest talks best” philosophy, not allowing me to get a word in edge-wise & when I did start saying something, interrupting constantly. Keep in mind- this is a person who is constantly alluding to what a good Christian she is, yet she “brags” (almost daily) about her communications with people- she does nothing but play word games with them & then complains that they’re the ones with issues because she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong when she’s messing with their minds & emotions. (Please note: the definition of a hypocrite is “a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs. / a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.” http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypocrite)
Are we beginning to understand my frustration the past few years?
My Dad came out to visit us for Christmas and we had to run to the store for more “chili-fixin’s” to finish off the batch he was teaching Brian to make. As we talked in the car, he said something that had a profound effect on me- “Everything is a choice.” I knew that I had been trying to implement this practice into my life for quite a while already; but after he said this I really began to evaluate my actions since being around certain people & was actually very disappointed in myself. I realized I had (for a number of years) behaved in a way that would be conducive to harmony among this particular peer group, but was not who I was at heart or how I wanted to be known as acting. I had been playing the song that they expected me to over and over & never once questioned it… because it was easier than being the outsider & doing the right thing. How ashamed I was. I had, for a while, tried to not follow the “expected” ebb & flow, but I finally realized that I no longer cared what they thought anymore- because I realized those people truly did not care about me. I began to consciously make an effort to apply my Dad’s statement to each & every action I took each day. What a difference these 4 words made!
Since then I’ve seen a drastic difference in my outlook and perspective in life & have come to realize: 1) that my decision to keep my work & personal lives separate was the best decision I could have made at this point in my life, 2) that it takes far too much energy to try to keep up with the “negative-nancys” & much less energy to be positive, thus leaving lots more energy for other things, 3) I have too much going on in my life that requires my attention and energy (going to school 19 hrs a week/5 days a week, raising 2 kids, making time for my husband, putting in 8 hrs at a full time job with a 2+ hr commute roundtrip daily, Liam’s social events (soccer, etc) & most recently, recovering from surgery… sheesh- I need a vacation from myself! lol! Actually I feel like I’ve been doing amazingly well in balancing everything I have going on.)- I simply do not have the time or energy to deal with being negative.
I do hope my readers can learn a lesson from all of this, whether you find yourself in my shoes or theirs- just be conscious of yourself. Do your words match your actions, really & honestly? Are you choosing to lie to yourself or be honest? Sometimes we do not understand other people’s motives and if we did, perhaps we would have a different view on their actions. However, when you’re stuck in a constant cycle of “bad stuff”- it becomes pretty clear where the truth lies.
So to anyone who has been (literally) or felt (emotionally) “de-friended” (yes, I know none of the people this applies to will ever have the motivation to even read my blog, but I’ve needed to do this vent for a while)- I know you think I’m some sort of “stuck-up snobby b!+c#” because I don’t act like I use to & I’m sure you think that I believe I’m better than you- this is simply not true. I know that not playing the head-games has ostracized me, but I've grown to accept that and no longer care, because it really is just a bunch of sophomoric peer-pressure bull that should have been outgrown & left behind years ago. I miss the fun we use to have and even though it has become painfully clear to me that you do not care, I do care about you, but I cannot continue to subject myself to your demeaning, cruel, hurtful and nasty treatment & will not even consider continuing those practices to gain your approval either. I have too much to look forward to in my life to be bogged down with negativity. I wish you all the best in the world. I will continue to pray for you & hope you can find the peace to bring happiness and positive energy into your lives.
